Saturday, November 05, 2011

Hello again.

Wow, it's sad that I didn't even remember my password for this blog.

Been a while.

My apologies.

As such, I also apologize in advance that this post is going to be a little all over the place.

You were warned.

I have mentioned here before that getting pregnant with Kayden was a surprise.

To be completely honest, I did not think much would change when he was born.

My mom came out for two weeks to put the remaining touches on the nursery and help once he arrived. She looked at me so funny when I told my dog Tia how much I loved her and that Kayden wouldn't take her place when he was born.

Naviety at it's finest.

I had no idea how intense my love for him would be.

The day I came home from the hospital in October of 2004, a Walmart run was neccesary. Blankets, bibs, baby shoes, diapers were all overflowing in his nursery. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about MY needs- aspirin, nursing accessories, etc.

Guess that happens when you are a first time mom.

With Josh holding a sound asleep Kayden, he repeated over and over "It's going to be okay. I got this" while trying to push me out the door.

I will not get into the nitty gritty, but Kayden's birth was tough. And long. And horrible.

Getting hit with a semi might have been easier.

I couldn't walk any measure of distance for about three weeks, so the challenge was how I was going to navigate the rows of discounted goods and racks of low priced bargains.

Enter: motorized shopping.

It is just as much fun as it looks.

Every last elderly person looked at me like I was very, very strange


After we checked out I remember sitting in my car, waiting for Josh to pick up the phone to tell me everything was fine. Afterall, the last six times I checked hadn't quite pacified me.


We hung up, and I started bawling huge crocodile tears, asking my mom how could I ever live without that kid now that I knew how great it was to be his mom?


I did not know what to do with the love pouring out of my heart.


Motherhood changed me.

Everything was different.


Since my last post at MiniMe Mom, so much has changed. I look at this blog and don't even feel like the same person that posted in April before our world fell apart.

I used to always feel that when I blogged about my relationship with God, it seemed forced or an afterthought or like I was trying too hard.

A red stool in my bathroom sits directly in front of my linen closet, and sometimes I use it to sit and pray on. Somewhere in February or March, I remember praying that I would be able to share my faith in a real way through my blog.

Be careful what you pray for:-)

Going through this past six months, I feel deeper. God isn't an afterthought or something to add on to appear more "Christian". Almost every relationship in my life has gotten richer because of this refining.

I wouldn't necessarily say I want to go through it again, but I can see so much beauty looking backwards.

So why close out Tessa's blog and come back here?

When Bryce was a baby, I was talking to a friend whose brother died after a long battle with cancer. She was in high school at the time and I asked her how her parents did at balancing time between kids.

She relayed that she understood why her parents spent so much time focusing just on her brother but knowing did not make her feel any less good about them missing her prom.

To say that I replayed that conversation mentally is an understatement.

I struggled all summer to try and make my other two kids feel loved and important, even though this has definitely been the year of Tessa.

Tessa's blog was hard to walk away from. I poured my heart out. I loved reading comments. It became an outlet and a support system simultaneously.

But it didn't include my boys.

So, here is to NEW beginnings with all three of my kiddos and Joshy B.

and maybe every once in a while the dogs.

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