Monday, January 17, 2011

Pit Stop

When I was in junior high school, one of my mom's best friends was my Sunday School teacher. One week, she shared a story that I have not forgotten.

Her brother was a respected OB/GYN. After graduating, he felt the Lord leading him to work in low-cost clinics to help woman that could not afford proper medical care.

The clinic was so poor, in fact, that they did not have extra staff to spare a nurse's presence in the room for physicals.

One afternoon, he cared for a woman who ultimately accused him of assaulting her. Although my mom's friend knew he was not guilty, the high powered attorneys representing this woman shed a doubt over his innocence and he was sent to prison for many years.

She went on to explain that once her brother was convicted, her life went on hold. She likened it to a race track. God and life had continually gone around the circle, yet she felt like she was in a spiritual pit-stop. It took letting go of it all in order to continue her relationship with Jesus.

As uncool as it was (I was in junior high, remember), I choked back tears hearing her pain and being touched by the honesty in which she spoke of her spiritual struggles.

Little did I know it would be 16 years later I recalled it.

I can pinpoint my pit-stop exactly. Bryce contracting RSV; that was the moment for me. Until then, having a healthy child was a given. I carried the illusion that bad stuff would happen to someone else, not me.

Sitting in that hospital room, praying over his little body after being told they were uncertain if he would live or die. The ache I felt in those moments has left me paralyzed with fear for the past few years of my life.

Looking back, it's interesting to me how long ago that was and how blessed we have been since. Everything turned out okay, and yet I remain focused on fear instead of deliverance and gratitude.

I have felt frozen.

It felt that if I let go of control, God would not carry me. I realize control is an illusion, but there were certain things that I just wasn't willing to completely surrender.

I do not want to go into exact details, but these last few weeks have been really tough for me. It has made me realize my deep need for Jesus, in spite of everything else that I have grasped so tightly these past few years. That He is the only thing that matters.

I know, it is a weighty post for a Monday evening.

But if you are willing, I would love to hear about any pit-stops you have had in life. Any verses you used to get past them?

Hold me close, Lord. Don't ever let me go.