Friday, April 19, 2013

Two years

I wore a purple striped shirt.

It was my first real "maternity" style.

Only a few days prior, all the elastic waist jeans and flowy shirts had been excitedly taken out of totes, and hung in my closet.

I remember so much about that day,
two years ago.

The pouring down rain, driving to my ultrasound appointment. I had a friend that always said "God was crying" when it was raining. I remember thinking, as the wipers shushed-shushed back and forth: I wonder who God is crying for.

The excitement and chatter heading back to the room.

Saying "girl" when asked what gender I guessed.

The comfy black leather sofa my mom sat on.

The warmth of the ultrasound gel.

The flickering heart on the screen.

The air being sucked out of the room when we were told "something is seriously wrong with your baby".

Rushing to the ER, crying and praying the whole way there.

Feeling Tessa kick, as they told me she wouldn't live.

Waiting in the ER turnaround entrance, for Josh to pick me up, and take me home to our "new normal".

Our kids asking over and over why the baby was going to die.

Today is April 19th. The day,
two years ago, that our lives were forever changed by a little miracle named Tessa.

We celebrate God's faithfulness. His mercy. His grace. His purpose.

Last night, I was reading my devotions for April 19th- same one I read two years ago.

It said "Stand firm, and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." Exodus 14:13.

I see that verse so differently today.

At the time, I wanted deliverance from my anguish, my pain, my hurt.

Hope for a living, breathing baby was not even on my radar.

Now I see the beauty of the many ways God used Tessa's journey to change us- my absolute faith that prayer changes things, a testimony I am honored to share, growth in our marriage and spiritual lives.

The JOY and LIGHTNESS that Tessa brings to our family.

Psalm 146:2 I will praise the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.