Oh, but it hurts....

Tonight we went to a basketball game, first of the season.

As soon as we sat down, Kayden spotted kids playing on the court that runs parallel to where the game resides, so I told Josh to watch and we headed down so he could run around.

After a few minutes of standing shyly by, soon Kayden felt comfortable enough to start running the length of the court. A little while later he spotted a group of all girls his age, and I settled in with Bryce to watch the game.

I watched as three of the girls ran under the bleachers and Kayden hesitantly stood at the entrance. I got up and walked over.

"Can I go find the girls, mom?"

"Yeah, that is fine with me," I said, glancing into the darkness. I ticked off in my head all the things that could go wrong with letting him go.

What if he gets to the other side and does not know how to come back, what if he hits his head on a beam, what if he gets scared of the dark, what if , what if, what if.

He turned to me, weariness in his eyes seen through the shadow of the bleachers. "You come," he pleaded, teetering on the edge of independence.

"No, go ahead, honey."

I watched as he hesitantly lifted his foot up and jumped over the metal divider, his little shadow hopping into the darkness, a small piece of dependency slipping by.

I almost started crying.



Fast forward two quarters. Kayden has now linked comfortably into group of said small girls, two of them daughters of another coach. Kayden has shared his cars (no small feat in my book, as they are prized possessions), and they have been chasing each other around most of the game using the floor lines as roads.

At one point, the girls huddled into soccer nets positioned against the walls proclaiming they were "girl forts". Two of the girls linked their faux fur coats into the holes of the nets, hanging neatly in the "closet". Wanting to be included, Kayden climbed under the netting to induct himself part of the club.

You know when you sit back and watch as a parent, and it is so hard to NOT step in? This was one of those moments.

I look and Kayden is standing in the netting, and by that I mean he had his nose mashed into the goal post, part of his upper lip being lifted by the bright yellow netting. He is staring at the game, singing some sort of odd tune only he can hear shifting side to side.

One of the little girls yelled, "Get out of here, only girls allowed".

"Leave him alone, I know him." said one of the siblings.

It took all within me to let them work it out.

I look back and all the girls start filing out from said fort to jump to another goal.

Kayden still standing with his mouth in the net. Oblivious.

"It kills you to see them grow up, but I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." Barbara Kingsolver

It is hard to let go.